Monday, May 23, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 22: What I Want to Say to 5 People

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

What I Want to Say to Five People

I have made it a point to be unfailingly honest in my life, which includes in this blog.  That sometimes means getting very uncomfortable and, perhaps, making others feel the same.  Today's post will do both.  

1. My Nephew B
You are, have always been, one of the most incredible, brilliant, loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing.  I wish you could see you as I see you.  I wish those on the outskirts of your world could see you as I see you.   I know you're loved by many, but I don't always believe you're appreciated for the unique you that you are and for that I am sorry.  I wish I could help you understand why some ride you harder than you deserve and than they do your brothers.  I wish I could stop that for you.  I love you more than you could ever know, have loved you I first held you in my arms just moments after you took your first breath.  More than that, though, I both like and respect you.  If you weren't my nephew, I'd choose you as my friend.  You always have a soft place to land with me.  

2. Paul Ring
That you were young is not an excuse.  I was younger.  That it was almost 30 years ago now does not dampen what you did.  That you likely don't even remember it does not mean I don't.  If there were no statute of limitations on sexual assault, I would press charges even now.  You hurt me, you changed my life.  Should we ever meet again in life, I will not hesitate to throw the first punch I've ever thrown and, hopefully, land it straight in your throat.  I will remind you.  If I ever get the chance, I will ensure you live the rest of your life with the memory of what you did to me when I was just a little girl.

3. Alice Lee
I threatened you and you took those feelings out on me publicly, loudly, wrongly, and meanly.  I was a good student teacher.  I consistently got the highest reviews in my graduating class.  I was hired to teach honors classes the next year before I even finished student teaching.  I was good.  And yes, as I got better, I began to pull away from you, I began to see how little respect you had for the students, I began to understand all the ways I wanted to be different than you.  I relied on you less and less, I came into my own, I simply outgrew you.  You had no right to dress me down, attack me with lies and false assumptions, yell at me for a full 15 minutes in front of another teacher and student.  You didn't like that I no longer put you on a pedestal and you needed to put me back in the lower position the ugliest way you knew how.  I don't forgive you.  You are despicable.  

4. Dad
You abandoned us.  You used to see us twice a week, you used to send us letters telling us how proud you are of us, you used to be present in our lives until you found a new family.  You abandoned us.  You even stopped acknowledging us.  You stopped celebrating our birthdays, even calling us on holidays.  You stopped the letters, the visits, the relationships.  You moved 800 miles away, started your new family, and told everyone you had three kids instead of five.  Mom made things difficult on you, this I know.  Believe me, she made it difficult on me, too.  But we were there, living with the difficulties, while you decided we weren't worth the effort.  You somehow justified abandoning us for the sake of getting away from her.  You've expressed no remorse about this, only continued to justify it when asked even all these years later.  You abandoned us and it has colored everything we are and have done for the rest of our lives in small and large ways.  That you've never once apologized or, for that matter, been anything but proud of your decision to move on will be your legacy.  

5. Aunt L
I will not again listen to you defend my dad.  I will not ever again let you shut me down when I express hurt over our abandonment.  I will not ever again let you get away with telling me the same thing my dad always has: it's OK that he left, because my mom made things hard for him.  From now on, I will talk back.  The next time you do this, I will ask pointedly if you'd ever give up your children because it got hard to see them.  The next time you try this, I will point out that the difficulty that simply is my mother is even more of a reason why he should've stayed near and present, so that we could have a more stable influence somewhere in our lives.  The next time, I will say that this paltry, pathetic excuse no longer works on me, because I am a parent now and understand exactly what you would do for your child no matter how hard things get.  Never would I abandon my son.  Never would you abandon your children.  There is not a single excuse that justifies him leaving us and the next time you give one in that snotty tone, I'm going to respond accordingly.

Uncomfortable yet?  I am.  That's how I know it should be written, probably should've been written long ago.  

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 21: The First 10 Songs on Shuffle

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

First 10 Shuffled Songs

This is either going to make me look really cool or really uncool and I'm betting on the latter.  Whatever happens, this is me.

1. What the World Needs Now is Love by Jackie DeShannon
My Best Friend's Wedding soundtrack is most excellent and most kitchy.  No apologies.

2. Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac
Classic.  

3. I Say a Little Prayer by Aretha Franklin
Even classicker!

4. Without You by Harry Nilsson
I almost always skip past this.  I must've been feeling particularly angsty when I added this.  

5. Stuck With You by Huey Lewis and the News
I was born in 1978.  Clearly, I'm a product of the 80s.  Nostalgia.

6. Something to Save by George Michael
His most angsty album that spoke to my angsty middle-schooler and hasn't ever left me.

7. Drive By by Train
I don't even know this song by its title.  I'd have to listen to it to tell you why it's here.  Train doesn't do much for me but for Meet Virginia.  This has me thinking it's time to purge some songs from my iTunes.

8. Every Time I Close My Eyes by Babyface
A god.  No shame.

9. All I Want for Christmas is You by Olivia Olson
If you'll recall my confession that the problematic Love Actually is one of my favorite movies, you'll not be surprised that the soundtrack is also a fave.  Thus, I have to love this soundtrack version of this song and not the Mariah Carey version.

10. Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
That's more like it.  I'm a little cool.  Sometimes.  

Shuffle is a jerk.  Where's my Sublime, my Tracies (Tracy Bonham and Tracy Chapman, that is), my Prince, my Presidents of the United States of America, my Journey, my Joss Stone, and my Jack Johnson?  These artists are all over my iTunes, but do they come up on my shuffle for this particular post?  Noooooo.  Thanks, Shuffle.  Ass.


Friday, May 20, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 20: 3 Lessons I Want My Child to Learn From Me

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

Three Lessons I Want My Child to Learn From Me

1. Be Good to Your Word
Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you tell someone you're going to do something, do it.  My mom once told me she's stop doing something and then, as is typical, continued doing it.  When called out on that, she responded with, "I never said 'I promise.'"  I am happy to say that my five-year-old son already understands the importance of this lesson more than my mom ever will.  As a result, I trust what he says and others will as he continues on in life.

2. People Aren't Mind-Readers
If you want someone to know something, tell them directly and explicitly.  Conversely, if you want to know something, ask directly and clearly.  Never assume either of you know what the other is thinking or feeling.

3. You're Not Perfect
You're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect, but that shouldn't stop you from trying whatever it is you want to do.  This is something he hears me talk to his dad about regularly, as he simply doesn't try anything if he thinks he won't be perfect at it the first time, thus he doesn't try much that is new.  It's a cryin' shame.  I see this tendency in my son, as well, so we've been working on it extra.  In tennis, he doesn't stop when he misses or doesn't get it over the net.  He simply makes a quick face of disappointment and moves along.  In pottery, he doesn't quit when he collapses the pot.  He simply fixes it and continues on.  The lesson is getting through.  He's an imperfect wonder and I absolutely adore him for it.

What lessons do you want your children to learn from YOU?

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 19: Celebrity Crushes

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

My Celebrity Crushes

To be perfectly honest, I don't subscribe to the typical American obsession with celebrities.  I don't read People magazine, I don't watch the Oscars, I don't even know any of the names on my FB trending topics ticker.  It's just not my bag.  I'll play along, though, as there are a couple people I dig.





Jeff Goldblum
Quirky, intelligent, funny, unique.  Dead sexy.


Merritt Wever
Quirky, intelligent, funny, unique.  Dead sexy.

Sir Patrick Stewart
Quirky, intelligent, funny, unique.  Dead sexy.

                                      

Jennifer Lawrence
Quirky, intelligent, funny, unique.  Dead sexy.

                                     


Methinks I have a type.  

Monday, May 16, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 18: My First Love

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

My First Love

Welp, this is a quick and easy one.  My first love sucked.  He was a compulsive liar, a total bum, and one scary ex-love.  I stayed with him or two years, lived with him, was engaged to him.  His parents hated me and blamed me for everything he ever did wrong and he never stood up for me.  He cheated on me and was a general waste of two years of my young life.  He was an excellent lesson, if nothing else.

And that's that.  I don't have fond memories of my time with him.  My only explanation is that he was both my first kiss and my first sexual partner and, having been brought up Mormon, that meant to me that I had done something very, very wrong that I could only rectify by sticking with him and marrying him.  

I refuse to allow my son to believe the same messed up things I was taught to believe, thus setting him up for the same ugly mistakes I made.  No, I won't do that to him.   

Friday, May 13, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 17: Today's Epiphany

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

Today's Epiphany

(This post was originally scheduled to be 30 Little-Known Facts About Me, but I've already written something similar to that and I had these thoughts swirling, so I made a command decision to change the topic at the last minute.)

I realized today that my anxiety didn't start with the traumatic birth of my son, but as a young child myself.  I didn't have words for it then and didn't have the support for it even if I had.

It started with my parents multiple separations and reconciliations.  It manifested itself as fat lips.  I used to chew my bottom lip to the point of creating holes and face-deforming swelling.  It was something I could focus my attention on besides the turmoil going on in my life.  I was rarely without a painful and swollen bottom lip, because I was rarely without anxiety.

I used to get scolded for chewing my lip, so I became more sly about my chewing as I got older.  I moved onto chewing the inside of my cheeks, which, after 30+ years of doing this, have become covered in scar tissue.  I also began picking at and chewing my cuticles.  It is a rarity, even now, that I have 10 healthy fingers.  As I look at my hands now, I only have one bloody spot, which is actually quite impressive for me.

Obviously, my son's birth didn't help.  Whereas I was always able to keep my anxiety to myself before, it has now bubbled out into my life in other, more pervasive ways that affect those around me.  I stop my son and husband from doing things, because of my own irrational anxieties.  I can only handle so much clutter and mess before I absolutely flip the eff out.  I get terribly angry with my husband when he does something wrong, because I am somehow able to connect it back to my son and how he'll be negatively affected.

As I considered talking to my doctor about changing from Zoloft to another anti-depressant with anti-anxiety meds included, I began to feel anxious about that, as well.  "What if a new med dulls my edge?  What if the things I've been so anxious about happening actually do happen, because I wasn't uber-aware."  I was aware that this was my anxiety talking, but then the whole cycle started again.

Eventually, I talked to my doctor and we've together decided to change from the Zoloft to Wellbutrin.  This should help with my anxiety with the added benefit of ceasing to dampen my sex drive, which SSRIs such as Zoloft notoriously do.  We'll see.  Suffice it to say, I'm anxious.


Thursday, May 12, 2016

Motivation Kickstarter Day 16: Something I Miss

As part of my quest to find my motivation, I've accepted the 30 Day Writing Challenge.  Each post will be added to the main post HERE.

Something I Miss

This will be a short one, because it's fairly black and white for me.

I miss working in law enforcement.  I miss the camaraderie of the Sheriff's Department.  I miss the fun I had there.  I miss the people with whom I always felt safe.  Quite honestly, I miss that feeling of badassery when I got to do something important.

I miss working as a high school English teacher.  I miss the connection I had with my students, especially at the first high school in which I taught.  I miss convincing students to give me their deeply considered opinions rather than what they thought I wanted to hear.  I miss helping them love to learn what I loved to learn.

I do miss them both, without a doubt.  I would miss my son more.