Pardon My Pity Party

Why is it so easy for my students to get pregnant accidentally left and right and over and over? Why does my cousin keep having kids and giving them up? Why do I keep reading about all the kids who need good homes, but I'm here and ready and can't get any of them? Why am I surrounded by pregnancy, but becoming a parent is such a heartbreaking obstacle course filled with impossibilities for us?

I sit here in tears as I have off and on all day, as I remember vividly doing a couple years ago when having our son didn't seem to be possible, trying to come to grips with yet another shattered dream. (If you're not sure what I'm talking about, read my posts about our struggles here and here.) Things aren't nearly as bad now, because we have our one perfect son. If he weren't here, I would be absolutely beside myself with grief over one more hope being dashed. As it stands, one more hope has been dashed - we won't likely be able to add to our family - but we have our son and he is more than we could've ever hoped for and definitely more than we deserve.

Still, though, I'm immaturely railing against the unfairness of it all. I'm nobody special, I'm nobody great, but I think I'm a pretty good mama. I try hard every day and my son is happy, healthy, and safe. I used to want four kids, but then I got a little older (and my conception and pregnancy took a toll on me), so we decided two was our magic number. It took me a long time to get there, too. Once I finally arrived in my peaceful headspace about the number two, I set out to get her (or him, but we were leaning toward girl). For everyone else, they get to hang their underwear next to their partner's on a clothesline and get knocked up. For me, well, my body has betrayed me and now so has the state of Arizona. I guess this post is my way of stomping my feet and shouting, "No fair!" to the world. It's no fair that I can't get pregnant like most other people. It's no fair that because of my parenting choices and beliefs, Arizona won't let me adopt via foster care. It's no fair that only the rich can afford to privately adopt and we are far from rich.

*Stomp, stomp, stomp*

*Fist shake, fist shake, fist shake*

*And throw in a vein popping out of the side of my neck, for good measure*

*Oh, and a snot bubble, because no tantrum is truly complete without a good snot bubble*

Arizona says that in order to adopt via foster care, I have to vaccinate my son completely according to the CDC schedule. Not going to happen. I refuse to put my child in harm's way for a dream that isn't even his and for a child we don't even have. Foster-adoption costs somewhere in the ballpark of $5,000. That's a significant amount of money, but it's doable. Shooting our son full of toxins is not doable. Ok, so on to private adoption. That's somewhere in the ballpark of $20,000-$40,000. Not doable. Foreign adoption? Same story. And there you have it. Unless the stork accidentally drops someone else's baby down our chimney (so I'm mixing the stork and Santa, whatever...they're both fake and neither are helping my situation, so.......), the outcome is the same: no new daughter or son. And it's just not fair.