Want to Slut-Shame Someone? Here I Am.

My goal at Zen Parenting is to awaken, to enlighten. Let me enlighten all of those who see themselves as moral compasses for the rest of us, those who feel their individual morals should be everyone's morals, those who love to tell anyone who didn't "save" themselves for marriage or has had sex with more than a handful of people that they're promiscuous sluts who should close their legs: you're talking about, you're looking down on, you're judging me. That's OK. It's your prerogative to do so. What you think of me is none of my business, though I know many will feel the need to share regardless. Also OK.

What is slut-shaming? According to Finally, a Feminism 101 Blog, "slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s 'about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior' (Alon Levy, Slut Shaming). It is damaging not only to the girls and women targeted, but to women in general an society as a whole. It should be noted that slut-shaming can occur even if the term 'slut' itself is not used."

Now that we have the definition clear, let me tell you a bit about my sexual past. Before I do, let me tell you why I'm writing this. I am writing this, I am opening myself to the inevitable fall from grace (in some people's eyes) and harsh judgement because it needs to be shown that those who have sex with many, those who have sex for fun, those who have sex because that's just what they want to do are every bit as good as those who don't.



Let me also first share that I was raised Mormon, as some of you know. That being the case, an incredibly high value was placed on my virginity. As I mentioned in a previous post, even masturbation was shameful and, boy, was I ever shamed for it. I spent 18 years believing that I would wait until marriage to have sex. My first boyfriend came at 17 years old and while we had oral sex, we didn't succumb to our instincts and feelings until I had graduated from high school. After that first time, I spent days in a deep, deep depression as a result of how "shameful" my act was, how I had completely ruined myself body, mind, and soul. I almost broke up with my boyfriend, because I no longer felt I was good enough for him. I felt hollow and ill and abysmally ashamed. Why? Because I had sex before I was married. Clearly, I was Satan's spawn.

It wasn't until a few months later, when I was away at college, that I realized how ridiculous all that hoopla really was. I liked sex. It felt good to my body, it felt good to share that with someone I loved, it just felt good all around. I promptly marched myself off to the local Planned Parenthood, got myself some birth control pills, and hid them in my room. (I was living with my dad and his new family, so heading to the family doctor was never an option, since we were all in the same ward and would see each other that Sunday.) I felt smart and strong and empowered. My body was my own, not the church's, not my family's, not my boyfriend's. I had taken control over myself and my body. I became a woman, not because I had sex, but because I was no longer afraid of having it.

That boyfriend was a loser (not a term I use lightly, trust me), so he eventually had to go and I was onto others from there. All told, and I'm estimating here, because I stopped keeping track at some point, I believe I had sex with around 30 people. Oh, ya, "people," because there was one woman in that mix. The horror! Most of those were wonderful, fun experiences. The overwhelming majority of those were multiple-time experiences (one-night stands weren't my thing, though I don't see a problem with them if they're you're thing). I wouldn't change most of those experiences.

Here I am. A real, honest, open, sexual being. I am not ashamed of who I am. I haven't always made the best decisions, I haven't always done what was right, but this is who I am and I will not allow anyone to tell me that I or anyone else should be ashamed of who we are. I like sex. Today, I only have sex with one person. I like sex every bit as much as I always did. I had fun then, I have fun now. If I were still single, who knows how big "my number" would be now. And who cares? Not me. And you don't get to, either.