Monday, June 17, 2013

NO LLPOF

So, here's where I get a little vulnerable, which I hate, but I think it's important to let you in just a bit. I won't take much of your time, but I'd appreciate if you'd sit back and let it all in.

Here's what sets me off: being called a liar or having the veracity of my honest questions or direct statements questioned as if there's something subversive there that is really never there.

Here's why: I was sexually assaulted. You can read about it here. I wasn't believed. Take a minute to think about what that must feel like. Take a minute to think about how that would forever shape the person you would become. No, really, take a minute. Try.

I'm a straight shooter. I don't mean any more than exactly what I say. I am coming to learn through experience and therapy that most others do not communicate this way. I'm learning that means that people hear what they would be saying rather than what I am saying. There's nothing I can do about this. When I say, "I don't know what to say about this..." or something similar, it's because I just don't know what to say. I'm not meaning anything shady. I'm not silently judging and hoping you'll judge with me. I'm not leading you to anything. I'm not implying anything. I genuinely mean what I say, only what I say, nothing more, nothing less.

No matter how many times I say this to people who have accused me of otherwise, I still get it and it still stings. I don't lie. That's not true. I lie on one occasion: when I don't want to go to some social function. I almost always make up some innocuous excuse to get out of it. I'll fess up to that readily. Otherwise, I don't lie. And I am uber-defensive when I am accused of doing so. Do you understand, now, why? Can you try?

These are my issues, I am aware, but if you're going to be here, you should probably be aware of them, too, and maybe, just maybe, take them into consideration.

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