Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Raped - My Story

I originally shared my story here, in effort to dip my toe in the waters of ashamed-no-longer, but still keep things buried in the midst of all the other stories. No longer. I am no longer ashamed. I will no longer hide. This is my story. It happened to me. It wasn't right. They hurt me. THEY did it. Not me. I did nothing wrong. I am not to blame and I refuse to continue to blame myself, even in small part. So here it is. My story. I was raped.

In my second year of teaching, I met a married couple and the three of us hit it off. They were fun, I was fun. We went back to their place - I forget why exactly (I forget a lot about that night). They poured me a glass of wine - along with something extra. They proceeded to rape me as a couple. He raped me anally. I recall only bits and pieces. I have flashes of the night. I remember him turning to her and asking her permission to rape me anally. "Can I?" I remember waking up naked and completely confused in their guest room. I couldn't find my clothes, I didn't know where I was in their house, I didn't know how to get out of there. I woke up feeling more drunk than I'd ever felt in life. I made my way out of there, but not without great difficulty, not without being stopped by him and made to go in and kiss her goodbye. I was unclear as to all that had happened, I was in more headache pain than I'd ever been in, and I was completely shaken and guilt-riddled. It wasn't until a year later when I told my now-husband the story and he told me I had been raped that I finally admitted that to myself. Until that time, I felt so guilty and stupid for having put myself in that position. I still struggle with this, but telling it here is yet another step in that healing process for me.

This is my story. I was raped. And it wasn't my fault.



8 comments:

  1. It was not your fault. I am glad you posted this. I have not known of women stooping that low. It's important to know.

    I hold you in my heart.

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    1. Rapists are not relegated to only one group. Sad, but true. Thank you.

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  2. You really have a courge. do not feel low your self you are not mistaken. GOD bless you

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  3. so NOT your fault. not what anyone would (or should) expect at a dinner party with a couple. or anywhere, with anyone.

    i think becoming a mother has one of two opposite effects on people: it either forces them to deny elements of themselves or their lives that are broken or ragged about the edges or inconsistent with their best selves, or it forces them to confront their inconsistencies and become more conscious of the broken bits of themselves...you have chosen the path towards wholeness, the path of greater consciousness, of examining choices and of healing harms. it's not easy to be a whole, peaceful person; it's harder still to be a whole, peaceful parent; hardest of all to be whole and at peace with our own damaged, complex selves.

    how strange it is that some of the things most difficult to let go of are the things we didn't even do, but rather are things done to us by others...

    much love to you.

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    1. I agree completely. It has proven so life-changing for me, in the most positive of ways. Thank you.

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  4. This is really heartbreaking. Thank you so much for your courage and strength, for your voice and your story. And I couldn't have said it better than noflxedstars did above.
    Choose the path towards wholeness is one of the most difficult traveled and the most rewarding. I myself have been broken and abused. And I have had to put in a tremendous amount of work and effort to be the best mother I can be and also the best partner I can be. Often I melt down, forgetting my progress, wondering if it will all ever just get easier for me. And I have to step back and remember, it has gotten better. I thank the Universe I am on this path to be a whole better person and mother. And ironically, my daughter is exactly what put me on the path, I wanted to be better for her. I tell her all the time, she has SAVED my life...

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    1. Becoming a mother has healed me in every way.

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