Thursday, August 7, 2014

"The Dog Peed in the Car" As Told By Me and My Husband

Me: [after cleaning it up] Caboodle peed in the car.

Husband: [slowly, for dramatic effect] It was a dark, stormy night. I had the passenger door open. I let Caboodle into the garage to pet her. It was a hot and humid, but I stuck it out and fought through the discomfort. I was wearing a polo shirt and loafers. My pants were rumpled from the day's work. Caboodle was overly excited to see me, as usual. She jumped, nay, hopped into the car to root around and see what I brought home. I continued unpacking the car, removing my work belongings (lunch bag, backpack, water bottle, you know). Upon me removing all the stuff from the front seat, Caboodle found herself a spot on the seat. She had yet to calm down from her excitement at seeing me after a long day away from one another. There was a suspicious charge in the air. I could tell something was going to happen, but what??! Then, I saw it. Yes, she peed ALL OVER the front passenger seat. I'm going to kill her. Can you believe it? I thought for sure she'd go on the garage floor, like she usually does when she's excited to see me, but nooooo, she went on the seat. I'm so frustrated! Have any of your other dogs ever done this? I'm definitely a cat person. I love her, but... [to Caboodle in a modified baby voice] You stink. [back to his audience - me] Is this normal for dogs to pee when they get excited? I'm going to look it up on Wikipedia later. Maybe she's sick. I mean, I'd get excited to see me if I were her, too. Like Tegan and Sara said, "Everything IS Awesome" and that includes me! Not Caboodle peeing in the car, though. That's not awesome. Everything is awesome EXCEPT that. And that massive spider I had to kill with a hammer the other day. That wasn't awesome either. So, to summarize, I'm awesome, Caboodle and giant spiders are not.

left: How my husband envisions himself and his audience as he regales us with his tales
right: What I envision happening to myself as he regales us with his tales
[Only after ALL of this, going to pee himself, changing his clothes, and getting a drink of water, petting the cats, and making our son a peanut butter sandwich, forgetting about the car completely, then having to be reminded by his now very irritated wife, while the pee has been seeping into the seat all this time, does he go to clean it. Further, it seems "all over" means a tiny drip that was small enough to be covered with a burp cloth.]
No exaggeration was necessary in the telling of this one example, of which there are countless.

I am a "Just the facts, ma'am" kind of person. My husband feels the need to entertain. I, however, do not find his stories nearly as entertaining as he does. I often find myself wanting to scream "just get to the point, dude!" a fair amount of the time.

This is my life, folks.

3 comments:

  1. oh. er, i get it. i really do...my husband has a variety of brain function issues, the least of which is ADHD. he literally cannot tell a story or make a statement or ask a question in anything remotely approaching a simple way. you sit or stand, patiently (or not so patiently) waiting and waiting as he navigates all around whatever he is attempting to convey, sometimes ignorant even as to the actual subject or point, until eventually he circles back around to the beginning and more-or-less completes the thought. this can take 5 minutes, or the better part of an hour. you cannot---repeat, cannot---interrupt him, because it derails his thought process completely. also, it irritates him terribly. naturally, whilst this endless linguistic circumambulation is going on, he cannot do anything else. depending on how much sleep i've had, what else is going on in life, and my hormonal status, i either roll with this or grit my teeth and resort to yogic breathing until he is done...it's a different issue, of course; instead of lengthy tale-telling and embellishment, it's a dysfunctional brain causing inability to communicate effectively. but the results are quite similar...

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    1. Interesting. My husband has borderline personality disorder. I have no idea if that has anything to do with this particular trait, but that's definitely interesting about your husband's ADHD and his communication. Hmmm...

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    2. mine too! ADHD, PTSD, BPD. my acronym boy...

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